More (mis)adventures with Billy Culver

This most eccentric being prided himself on being the oldest midshipman in the Royal Navy, which he thought preferable, by great odds, to the youngest lieutenant. He was well connected, and a nephew of Lord Hood’s, who once undertook the liquidation of his debts.

‘I am amazed, Mr. Culver, really lost in astonishment, at the extreme length’ — unfolding a bill equal to the proctor’s displayed by Lord Cochrane in the House of Commons — ‘and at the items of this extraordinary bill; to grog, one shilling; to ditto, ditto, ditto: there seems nothing but suction; not a meal mentioned.’

‘Why, my lord, some people like eating, and often kill themselves by gluttony; I prefer drinking, and avoid such a catastrophe.’ Lord Hood smiled, and paid the bill.

During his lordship’s presiding over the Admiralty, Mr. Culver made his appearance, in obedience to an order of their lordships, issued a calendar month back.

‘Before Sir Evan Nepean can see you, sir, he desires to know, through me, why you have so long delayed complying with their lordship’s order?’

This interrogatory from the Admiralty messenger threw a thoughtful shade over Billy’s open brow; and, after a slight consideration, he replied: ‘I got under weigh the very instant I could command a clean shirt to appear before their lordships in, and cruised in a lubberly leathern convenience, drawn by four half-starved horses. I kept the quarter-deck, with a good look-out ahead, and at times conned the consarn by desiring coachee to starboard or port, as occasion required. At the half-way house, he shortened sail, and hove-to, and ordered a glass of grog; this made me call for two, or perhaps three, and I remained in the same house till the day previous to yesterday; when, finding the tide ebbing fast out of my money-locker, at nearly low water I again got under weigh, and made all sail I could carry for the Admiralty, and here I am.’

‘You are a rum one’ said the messenger, ‘but a shorter yarn must be given to Sir Evan.’

‘Why, then, if it must be concise, say I was drunk.’

‘If I do, your commission as lieutenant will be cancelled. Be advised by me, and say you were taken ill on the road and we must cook up a sick certificate.’

‘What!’ said Billy, looking sternly at him; ‘Tell a lie, a cowardly lie, at my time of life? Look you, sir! As man or boy, I never willfully told a lie, and at the age of fifty it is too late to begin. Tell him I was drunk.’ And Billy returned to the Royal William at Spithead, still the oldest midshipman in His Majesty’s service. (Parson 133-4)

Parsons, George S. 

1905    Nelsonian Reminiscences. Gibbings & Co. London.

Billy Culver - The Oldest Midshipman in the Royal Navy

A greenhorn of a lieutenant, who had recently been entered for provisions on board the Royal William, as supernumerary waiting for a passage to the West Indies, at one p.m. disagreeably surprised Billy in his usual avocation of basting a fine goose.  As the day was warm, Billy sat without his coat, his shirt-sleeves tucked up, and an over-sized ladle in his hands.

'Mr. Culver, I presume?' said Greenhorn.

'I am called Billy Culver,' said our friend, removing the little three-cornered hat from his capacious cocoa-nut.

'I am extremely sorry to announce to you, Mr. Culver'

'Billy, if you please, sir.'

'Well, then, if it will soften the unpleasant information, Mr. William Culver'-

'I answer to no other name but Billy Culver,' replied our old friend;' but I see you are heated, sir; try a swig out of my rummer' and he presented his large glass, with the reddish liquor, to the young officer, who thankfully drank till Billy called 'Belay there'; and the officer, after drawing breath, in a courteous manner said —

'It is my unpleasant duty to arrest you, as absent without leave, and convey you, as a prisoner, on board the Royal William guardship.'

'This is very mal à propos, as I was to dine with some friends on the fine bird before you; but I will put on my coat and attend you to old Grimsby, who is very harsh, as I am only a few days over my leave of absence granted by him.  May I beg the favour of you not to let it burn till I can send the cook in?' So saying, Billy slipped on his coat, and slipped out of the back-door, and very soon reported himself as come on board, to first Lieutenant Grimsby.

'Mr.  Culver, you have overstayed your time three days, and I have sent Lieutenant Greenhorn to bring you off under an arrest. Have you seen him?'

'Dear me, how strange!' said Billy, endeavouring to look very innocent; 'after taking our nooner together (by this he meant a glass of grog, a bad custom in vogue among seamen, even in these days of refinement and reform), I left him in full uniform, basting a goose roasting by the kitchen fire of the India Arms, Gosport; and if you'll please to allow me to fulfil an indispensable engagement this  day, I will, on my passage, make known to him your commands.'

'Send him off instantly, sir; such conduct is particularly unbecoming in an officer or a gentleman.'

And our acquaintance, Lieutenant Greenhorn, was ever after facetiously termed Goose Gibbey.  I believe Billy's objections to being the youngest lieutenant were in course of time conquered, and that he died in a rank I never expect to obtain, that of post-captain.