Monkey or Midshipmen tricks?

William Stanhope Lovell served as a midshipman in the days leading up to Trafalgar and served in the Americas during the War of 1812. He participated in the campaign on the Chesapeake Bay and the burning of Washington. Here he describes an amusing yarn of his early service in the Royal Navy.

One of the marine officers had a monkey on board, who used to amuse us with his gambols but was rather fond of biting, for which he received occasionally a beating from us youngsters. This brought on a coolness between his master and us, and led at last to open war.

A cabal was formed to get Jacko a licking from his own master, by letting him loose from his chain in the marine officer's cabin, that he might do some mischief and the time chosen was when his best clothes were put out ready for him to dine with the captain. We knew F. was invited that day, because we had seen the captain's steward ask him, and his own servant go into the marine officer's berth (he had one in the gun-room, on the lower-deck, where we messed), and layout his best coat, epaulet, white trousers, etc. and after making all other preparations necessary for the toilet, leave the cabin, lock the door, put the key in his pocket, and go away.

Now was the time for action. A mid of the name of 0., the leader of all mischief, undertook to get into the cabin through the lower-deck port, by going on deck, then into the mizen chains, and from thence by a rope's end made fast under his arms. We let him down through the port on the lower-deck into the cabin, and he untied the monkey. This being done, we returned into the gun-room, and peeped through the key-hole and cracks to see. 

Jacko's manceuvres after jumping about and chattering to himself for some little time, he commenced operations. Unfortunately for his owner, he found a bottle of ink, which he let fall, and it broke in pieces, splashing the ink on the deck. The monkey was now in his glory he seized upon the new red coat and epaulet, and began mopping up the wet, then chattering to himself, jumping about and appearing to feel quite delighted with his performance, particularly when he saw the marks of his hands and feet, stained with black, upon the red uniform. Not contented with his exploits on the coat, he lugged down the pair of smart inexpressibles, that looked so temptingly white, hanging over the chair, and finished the housemaid's work by wiping up the remainder of the ink with them. This feat having been done, we thought we had seen enough, and went most innocently to give information to the lieutenant of Marines, and his servant, that Jacko was loose in the cabin, and, we were afraid, was after some mischief, for we heard something break, and by peeping through the key-hole, saw he had his master's coat on the deck, and dragging it about.

Down ran the poor marine officer, calling his servant to bring the key. The moment the door was opened, the first glance showed the havoc committed on the dinner dress. Jacko, perceiving his frolic was over, retreated into his cage, from whence he was dragged to get a good beating. 

The poor servant was scolded because the monkey had got loose, who very truly said it was tied up safe when he left the cabin. The officer swore, stamped, and raved like a madman. His dress was so completely messed for the day, he could not dine with the captain; and we innocent young rascals stood looking very demure, and condoling with him on his misfortune, all the time laughing in our sleeves at the trick we had played. We had paid off the master and monkey, who between the two had got us sent to the mast-head occasionally for being saucy to the marine officer, because we did not like being bitten, without licking Jacko for it. A reward was offered to find out who let it loose, that F. might make the person or persons pay the damage; but it was never found out, and on the earliest opportunity the monkey was sent out of the ship, on board a merchant vessel we fell in with, bound to Malta, his master having had quite enough of monkey tricks.(Lovell 34-36)

Lovell, William Stanhope

2003 From Tralfalgar to the Chesapeake. Naval Institute Press. Annapolis.

More (mis)adventures with Billy Culver

This most eccentric being prided himself on being the oldest midshipman in the Royal Navy, which he thought preferable, by great odds, to the youngest lieutenant. He was well connected, and a nephew of Lord Hood’s, who once undertook the liquidation of his debts.

‘I am amazed, Mr. Culver, really lost in astonishment, at the extreme length’ — unfolding a bill equal to the proctor’s displayed by Lord Cochrane in the House of Commons — ‘and at the items of this extraordinary bill; to grog, one shilling; to ditto, ditto, ditto: there seems nothing but suction; not a meal mentioned.’

‘Why, my lord, some people like eating, and often kill themselves by gluttony; I prefer drinking, and avoid such a catastrophe.’ Lord Hood smiled, and paid the bill.

During his lordship’s presiding over the Admiralty, Mr. Culver made his appearance, in obedience to an order of their lordships, issued a calendar month back.

‘Before Sir Evan Nepean can see you, sir, he desires to know, through me, why you have so long delayed complying with their lordship’s order?’

This interrogatory from the Admiralty messenger threw a thoughtful shade over Billy’s open brow; and, after a slight consideration, he replied: ‘I got under weigh the very instant I could command a clean shirt to appear before their lordships in, and cruised in a lubberly leathern convenience, drawn by four half-starved horses. I kept the quarter-deck, with a good look-out ahead, and at times conned the consarn by desiring coachee to starboard or port, as occasion required. At the half-way house, he shortened sail, and hove-to, and ordered a glass of grog; this made me call for two, or perhaps three, and I remained in the same house till the day previous to yesterday; when, finding the tide ebbing fast out of my money-locker, at nearly low water I again got under weigh, and made all sail I could carry for the Admiralty, and here I am.’

‘You are a rum one’ said the messenger, ‘but a shorter yarn must be given to Sir Evan.’

‘Why, then, if it must be concise, say I was drunk.’

‘If I do, your commission as lieutenant will be cancelled. Be advised by me, and say you were taken ill on the road and we must cook up a sick certificate.’

‘What!’ said Billy, looking sternly at him; ‘Tell a lie, a cowardly lie, at my time of life? Look you, sir! As man or boy, I never willfully told a lie, and at the age of fifty it is too late to begin. Tell him I was drunk.’ And Billy returned to the Royal William at Spithead, still the oldest midshipman in His Majesty’s service. (Parson 133-4)

Parsons, George S. 

1905    Nelsonian Reminiscences. Gibbings & Co. London.

Skylarking with the Midshipmen

The second day after quitting Portsmouth brought us to Torbay, where the channel fleet of thirty-six sail of the line, under Lord Bridport, was lying at anchor. I was soon transferred to my own ship and introduced to my new messmates.

We lived in the gun-room on the lower deck, and in fine weather had daylight, which was better in many respects than the old midshipmen's berths in the cockpit. Amongst the youngsters were some within a year or two as young as myself; nice boys, full of fun and mischief, who soon initiated me in the sea pranks of " sawing your bed-posts," — cutting you down head and foot ; " reefing your bed-clothes," — making them up into hard balls which, if properly done, will take one unpractised in the art a good half-hour or more to undo. It used to be a great annoyance to come off deck after a first or middle watch (from eight at night to twelve, or from twelve to four in the morning), perhaps quite wet through, thinking, on being relieved, what a nice sleep you would have, to find, on going to your hammock, all your sheets and blankets made up into hard balls, and a good half-hour's work in the dark to undo them, particularly when tired and sleepy. During your labour to effect this, you had the pleasure of hearing the mischievous fellows that had a hand in doing it, laughing in their hammocks, and offering their condolences by saying what a shame it was to play such tricks when you sent on deck, keeping your watch, and recommending you to lick them all round, if you were able, or at all events to retaliate the first opportunity.

Blowing the grampus (sluicing you with water), and many other tricks used to be resorted to occasionally. Taking it all in good part, from the persuasion that it was the customary initiation to a sea life, my torments were few, for when the art of tormenting ceases to irritate, it loses the effect intended, and it generally ends by your shipmates saying, "Well, you are a good-natured fellow, and shall not be annoyed anymore."

1879 Stanhope Lovell, William

Personal Narrative of events, From 1799 to 1815, with Anecdotes. Withbary and Co. London.