More (mis)adventures with Billy Culver
This most eccentric being prided himself on being the oldest midshipman in the Royal Navy, which he thought preferable, by great odds, to the youngest lieutenant. He was well connected, and a nephew of Lord Hood’s, who once undertook the liquidation of his debts.
‘I am amazed, Mr. Culver, really lost in astonishment, at the extreme length’ — unfolding a bill equal to the proctor’s displayed by Lord Cochrane in the House of Commons — ‘and at the items of this extraordinary bill; to grog, one shilling; to ditto, ditto, ditto: there seems nothing but suction; not a meal mentioned.’
‘Why, my lord, some people like eating, and often kill themselves by gluttony; I prefer drinking, and avoid such a catastrophe.’ Lord Hood smiled, and paid the bill.
During his lordship’s presiding over the Admiralty, Mr. Culver made his appearance, in obedience to an order of their lordships, issued a calendar month back.
‘Before Sir Evan Nepean can see you, sir, he desires to know, through me, why you have so long delayed complying with their lordship’s order?’
This interrogatory from the Admiralty messenger threw a thoughtful shade over Billy’s open brow; and, after a slight consideration, he replied: ‘I got under weigh the very instant I could command a clean shirt to appear before their lordships in, and cruised in a lubberly leathern convenience, drawn by four half-starved horses. I kept the quarter-deck, with a good look-out ahead, and at times conned the consarn by desiring coachee to starboard or port, as occasion required. At the half-way house, he shortened sail, and hove-to, and ordered a glass of grog; this made me call for two, or perhaps three, and I remained in the same house till the day previous to yesterday; when, finding the tide ebbing fast out of my money-locker, at nearly low water I again got under weigh, and made all sail I could carry for the Admiralty, and here I am.’
‘You are a rum one’ said the messenger, ‘but a shorter yarn must be given to Sir Evan.’
‘Why, then, if it must be concise, say I was drunk.’
‘If I do, your commission as lieutenant will be cancelled. Be advised by me, and say you were taken ill on the road and we must cook up a sick certificate.’
‘What!’ said Billy, looking sternly at him; ‘Tell a lie, a cowardly lie, at my time of life? Look you, sir! As man or boy, I never willfully told a lie, and at the age of fifty it is too late to begin. Tell him I was drunk.’ And Billy returned to the Royal William at Spithead, still the oldest midshipman in His Majesty’s service. (Parson 133-4)
Parsons, George S.
1905 Nelsonian Reminiscences. Gibbings & Co. London.
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